There is one thing common in death and bad relationships, you learn to respect while you breathe. You learn not to repeat the same mistakes, you adapt to allow patience, and you wait for your turn to come to strike. And while there are other titles, ahem, other girls luring with an easy way in, you know that Dark Souls is the difficulty mode that your life truly deserves. So with the onset of the Year of the Souls, 2014, may I present you the first major rulebook of the year – Dark Souls II: Prepare to Dump Your Girlfriend Edition? It sucks to follow guides in Dark Souls, but just hear me out as I guide you through ways to dump her for Dark Souls:
10. Girl, you’ve got no Soul!
The girl tormenting you day in day out, and the zombies that run the undead asylum, both suck! To make things worse, they are miserly low on souls. I tend to stay away from such puny creatures unless I really have to. So while you can have great time farming for souls in the Undead Parish, make sure that you camp once you’ve fought your way through the Hollows and the Knights. Because the next whole horde of zombies are nothing but a waste of time. And surprisingly, they strike you when you least expect them to! Isn’t that the same story with every relationship? No? Well then, you will never see the depths of Darkroot then!
9. I hate your laughter!
Every single person in Lordran seems to be laughing out of turns, and that worries me big time in Dark Souls. From the knight I meet next to the Firelink bonfire to the merchant that sells me outdated shields, everyone seems to ROFL in Dark Souls. And it’s only me who doesn’t get the joke. The same is my belief in real life. When I laugh, she calls me names, when she laughs, I somehow manage to put away my questions. But no more, this year this mysterious treachery has to end.
8. Girl, you’re a psychotic pyromancer!
Yep, that’s the word – Pyromancer! Remember how you wanted her to light your fire? Guess who’s burning now? I hate Pyromancers, be in real life or in Dark Souls. Those people would never know the class in carrying an Excalibur or separating a head from its shoulders. That backstab, that parry, that riposte, I know, deep stuff! You got to agree, there’s no swag in being a Pyromancer, now add the adjective psychotic!
7. You’re like a dragon tail ready to drop the Drake Sword
Basically that’s like calling someone a dead frog in bed. Even though there is gold in the end, the means is pure booooring. 30-40 odd arrows piercing dragon skin and all that the dragon can do is fly, flap and return to perching? Really? Imagine that poker face while you put your 200% while making love! At least death is more rewarding!
6. You’re as girly as a save button!
Saving your game progress after beating a boss is like taking a selfie immediately after ordering a sandwich, or coming out of the train, or washing your face! Bro, there is no save button in real life, that’s the beauty of experience and surprises. Now imagine spending the rest of your life unconsciously being scripted in selfies and #instalike moments? There is glory in coming out of a tunnel filled with creepy rats and crawling basilisks, untouched.
5. You’re a socially disconnected online lobby!
Dark Souls punishes you through a myriad of ways, but definitely not by making you wait for an hour until your match making server has timed out! That, my friend, is the price you pay for big giants. In Dark Souls, people invade your world, as you invade others’, in seconds. And most of the times it happens within the blink of an eye. By simply telling her that she is a socially disconnected online lobby, it shows how frustrated you are at times, to just get the joke across! You’d rather connect to someone in real life just like that, with no false alarms.
4. You are an Imminent Liar, an Amazing Trap Ahead!
Love the Guidance Stone in Dark Souls, it leads me in and out of danger. Imagine a Guidance Stone in real life, where bros can help out bros. Just add a suffix to a prefix like in Dark Souls, make it look like an Imminent Oxymoron, and tell her so. And then walk away, laughing at what others have written. Save the Imminent Beanpole option for the end, or the Be Wary of Tears or Need Humanity till the end. You will need it.
3. You’re like a cutscene worth forgetting!
Lord bless her soul who wanders in and out of souls in search of iconic one liners and facial expression down to the last touch of perfection. I’d rather have my meat big, mean and definitely sans show off of any kind. I’m born in the darkness, I know to handle stress because I’ve seen grander things than a boring cutscene. If you show me a sequence of the Great Grey Sif or the Gaping Dragon, I certainly would spare a minute, but cutscenes? Oh please, they all look grand until you find what’s hidden beneath! Similarly for a well decked woman!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIqgfTBXe_o
2. Do you even Praise the Sun?
Speaking of women, you do realise the necessity of bros?! And who else can show you a better way than the Sun Bro himself, Solaire. Whenever life’s unfair or heavily layered, jump for Jolly Co-Operation. After all, the sun is an ever radiating body that is graceful like a father, or whatever! Women and their demands start ever since the break of dawn, how and when will they assign themselves to praise the sun? This is in fact a fool-proof plan to stop the non-sense and submerge in the sunny landscapes of Dark Souls II, or even while you’re finding your way out of the gutter.
1. Girl you’re the Moonlight Butterfly for real!
Most of the girls would definitely take this for a compliment, and the mistake is completely pardonable. The blend of a butterfly and moonlight can be anything but malicious. But such is the unpredictable and dark world of Dark Souls, where even a chubby mushroom can punch you in your face. And the Moonlight Butterfly is the mother of them all! Stunning to your eyesight, comes packed with a mesmerising soundtrack, and before you could even twitch or shake yourself up from the trance, she drops laser attack on you. There were times when video games were just video games, but nowadays, each step has a message inscribed. And this one tells you to Beware of Anyone, Anywhere.
Thanks to the rage created around dumping girlfriends for the sake of GTA V, I am back and so are my priorities! And so are my parodied reasons to let go to let yourself inside the submerging and obsessive world of Dark Souls, when it returns with a new timeline and a new hero, thankfully on the gloriously previous gen consoles! So here’s to the first game that I’m dying to get my hands on this year!
